Stage Play: A MISHAP AT HAMPTON MANOR (First 3 Scenes)

A MISHAP AT HAMPTON MANOR

SYNOPSIS

"A Mishap at Hampton Manor" is a comedic tale set in the world's first combination 5-star hotel and top mental rehabilitation centre, Hampton Manor. Mr. Howard, a reclusive American businessman, is scheduled to attend a crucial meeting determining the profitability of Hampton Manor. Concurrently, Mr. Harwood, a patient grappling with schizophrenia, resides within the facility.

Through a series of mishaps orchestrated by the receptionist Janet, the lives of these two men become entangled as they inadvertently swap places. As they navigate the complexities of each other's circumstances, they find themselves thrust into a whirlwind of chaos. From navigating business meetings to enduring electro-shock therapy sessions and encounters with a one-legged hooker, the duo embarks on a comedic journey fraught with calamity at every turn.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Mr./Dr. Hampton, an eccentric hotel manager and amateur psychologist.

Janet , the lobby receptionist, and the niece of Mr. Hampton’s uncle's college roommate's ex-wife's personal chef.

Mr. Howard , a reclusive American businessman.

Mr. Harwood, a schizophrenic patient.

Misc. Hotel Staff, unnamed bell hopper.

Misc. Hospital Staff , unnamed nurse.

SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS

On the stage, the left side represents Hampton Hotel, while the right side represents Hampton Rehabilitation Center. Whenever a character enters/leaves the scene, they do so from the side matching their profession. 

The exception to this rule is Mr./Dr. Hampton himself, who enters from the side of whatever prefix is attached to his name to indicate his current profession.

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SCENE ONE

England, Hampton Manor. Present (1950s style aesthetics.) Day.

JANET, a lady chewing bubble gum, sits behind a reception desk, typing loudly on a typewriter. 

Standing at the reception is MR. HOWARD.

The phone starts to ring, she ignores it, flexing her long-styled nails as she yawns.

MR. HOWARD

…Aren’t you going to answer that?

JANET, rolls her eyes, blowing a bubble and continues to type.

MR. HOWARD

…Only I do really need to be getting on and… (The typewriter pings)

She continues to type for another minute, then picks it up.

JANET

Hello and welcome to Hampton Manor, the only establishment in the world to run a combination 5-star hotel, across from the country's top mental rehabilitation centre. Are you looking for our hotel or psychiatric services today?

Mumbled talk comes from the phone.

Uh-huh, yes, yes, no, yes, yes, OMG Yes (she yells with a girly squeal), no (she says back in her monotone voice), ok is that all? Ok, you have a nice day now, bub-bye. (She hangs up the phone.)

(Yelling at the top of her lungs) Is there a “Mr. Har-wood” here? I repeat a “Mr. Har-wood”?

MR. HOWARD

Yes, that's me, as I’ve been trying to tell you!

JANET

Oh… well great! (She presses a buzzer on her desk, two nurses enter from the right and grab hold of MR. HOWARD.)

MR. HOWARD

Ah… NOW WAIT JUST A MOMENT! I THINK THERE HAS BEEN- (The nurse drags MR. HOWARD off stage kicking and screaming.)

JANET goes back to typing loudly on her typewriter and 

continues to blow bubbles happily.

A few moments later, another man enters the scene. Mr. Harwood walks up to the desk, twitching slightly, looking around like a caged animal.

JANET

Ah, you must be Mr. Howard. It’s a pleasure to have you stay with us! You’re room has already been prepared, here is your key, and we’ll have a suit sent up for you before your meeting.

MR. HARWOOD

Right… right… (He mumbles, still twitching.) I wasn’t followed was I?? (He looks around frantically.)

JANET

Ooo corporate espionage? No, I don’t think so, do you want me to get the staff to check?

MR. HARWOOD

Yes! Yes! Exactly, they’re out to get me! (He says while nervously looking at the door.)

JANET

Don’t worry Mr. Howard, we’ll put our best people on watch!

MR. HARWOOD

(He relaxes a little.) Thank you, no one else believes me.

JANET

Here at the Hampton Hotel, your comfort is our top priority!

MR. HARWOOD

Yes, yes, quite right too, lead the way… 

MR. HARWOOD nods his head approvingly while mumbling to himself as he is escorted by a bellhop off-stage.

A few moments pass before another man wearing an eccentric suit and labcoat combination marches in from stage left.

MR. HAMPTON

Ah, Janet, there you are! I’ve been looking for you!

JANET

G’day Mr. Hampton, I’m just here where I always am.

MR. HAMPTON

Precisely where you need to be! As a matter of fact, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. You see, we’ve had some complaints…

JANET

Oh?... What sort of complaints? (She stops typing)

MR. HAMPTON

Well people have been saying you keep mixing up the two halves of Hampton Hall. Sending guests to the therapy ward, and patients to the rooftop swimming pool. Now I know you’re the niece of my uncle's college roommate's ex-wife's personal chef, but I need you to pay more attention!

JANET

Ohhhhhh, my apologies Mr. Hampton, with such a BIG maner as this, I get easily confused. (She says with a flirty girly giggle.)

MR. HAMPTON

Oh it’s quite alright! Even I take a wrong turn from time to time. It’s not like you’ve mixed up our guests and patients now have you? // JANET: No of course not! // (They both laugh) That would be very bad. (They laugh again.) Well, I best be off! (He exits stage right.)

END SCENE

SCENE TWO

Hampton Manor. Rehabilitation Center. Day.

MR. HOWARD paces back and forth in a psychologist's office. In the room, there is a chaise longue sofa and an armchair with a side table with a lamp on it. 

MR. HOWARD

This isn’t right… I’m going to be late!

There is a knocking on the door, and then in walks DR. HAMPTON with a clipboard.

DR. HAMPTON

Ah, you must be Mr. Harwood? A pleasure to finally meet you instead of just talking over the phone.

MR. HOWARD

Yes. I mean no! I think there has been some kind of a mix-up.

DR. HAMPTON

You’re not Mr. Harwood?

MR. HOWARD

Well you see I am, but- (DR. HAMPTON cuts him off.)

DR. HAMPTON

Well then I see no problem here, (He places his hand over MR. HOWARD’S shoulder), please take a seat. (He indicates towards the chaise longue sofa.)

Reluctantly MR. HOWARD sits down, his head in his hands.

MR. HOWARD

I hope you realise the sort of delay this kind of funny business will cause!

DR. HAMPTON

Oh, don’t worry. We have the next 30-minutes before I’m needed elsewhere. Right now, my sole focus is on you.

MR. HOWARD

Well uh… GOOD! As it should be! Now-

DR. HAMPTON

-Now tell me about your mother.

MR. HOWARD

My mother?! (He stands up.)

DR. HAMPTON

Yes, your mother. (He forces him to sit back down.)

MR. HOWARD

I fail to see how this is relevant to my current predicament!

DR. HAMPTON

Oh I think it’s very relevant indeed, most delusions stem from parental influence.

MR. HOWARD

DELUSIONS! (He stands up abruptly again.)

DR. HAMPTON

Oh yes, it can be most impactful. Now will you please sit down! (He forces him to sit down again.)

MR. HOWARD

I don’t know what sort of business you’re running here, but I certainly didn’t come here to be questioned about my mother!

DR. HAMPTON

Well then, let's talk about you, shall we? When did you start having these paranoid thoughts?

MR. HOWARD

It’s not paranoia if people are actually out to get you!

DR. HAMPTON

Hmm yes, I suppose… (He writes something down on his clipboard.)

MR. HOWARD

What’s that you’re writing?

DR. HAMPTON

Oh nothing much.

MR. HOWARD

Oh yes it was!

DR. HAMPTON

Just some notes.

MR. HOWARD

No I definitely saw that, you wrote down “suffers from paranoid psychosis” I do not suffer from paranoid psychosis! 

DR. HAMPTON

Hmmm sounds like something someone suffering from paranoid psychosis would say. I think we’re done here. NURSE!

A nurse enters the scene walking towards MR. HOWARD with a 

very big needle.

MR. HOWARD

Dear god, keep that thing away from me! (He leaps up onto the sofa.)

The nurse slowly approaches MR. HOWARD who keeps hiding 

behind the furniture to escape.

DR. HAMPTON

Now, now, you have nothing to fear, we’ll be taking excellent care of you here. Nurse, if you would.

The nurse finally gets a hold of him, injecting him with the 

needle. He slowly stumbles around before passing out as the stage fades to black.

END SCENE

SCENE THREE

Hampton Manor. Hotel. Day.

MR. HARWOOD sits on a large soft bed, looking around the 

hotel room with amazement. In the corner is a chair.

He spins his head around and makes overly dramatic hand gestures, indicating the size of his room, then nods agreeably.

MR. HARWOOD

(Hold the beat for as long as possible.) …If only my mother could see me now!

There is a polite knock on the door.

MR. HARWOOD

Come in!

JANET enters the room carrying a suit and tie.

JANET

G’day Mr. Howard! I thought I’d just pop by to bring you ya bits!

MR. HARWOOD

Oh… um… thank you?

Marching in, she sets the suit and tie over the chair.

JANET

So, are you settling in ok? Anything I can get you? A cup of tea perhaps? No wait, you Americans drink coffee don’t you?

MR. HARWOOD

Oh well um… I’m not actually- (He points his finger up but she interrupts him.)

JANET

-Only I can’t stand coffee myself, far too strong, and I can never seem to make it sweet enough, don’t you agree?

MR. HARWOOD

Well I-

JANET

-Well exactly! Anyway, I mustn’t get off topic, so if you need anything, really anything at all, come speak to me ok?

MR. HARWOOD

Well you see-

JANET

-Because I really am good at helping with things. Mr. Hampton is always saying so. You see I only got the job because I’m the niece of his uncle's college roommate's ex-wife's personal chef.

MR. HARWOOD

Right but-

JANET

-And because of that you probably think I’m not that good at my job. But I promise you am!

MR. HARWOOD

Well what I really need is-

JANET

-OH YES? A suitcase? A glass of water? Fresh towels? A high-end hooker with a prosthetic leg and red hair? Or a pot of coffee?

MR. HARWOOD

A hooker with a prosthetic leg?? 

JANET

Oh you dirty dog! I’ll have her up within the hour!

MR. HARWOOD

No wait I didn’t mean!-

JANET

-Don’t worry! Your secrets are safe with me. (She rushes off stage with a giggle.)

He buries his face in his hands shaking his head.

MR. HARWOOD

Go to therapy they said, it’ll help they said, what a load of rubbish.

There is another knock on the door.

MR. HARWOOD

(Throwing his hands up and rolling his eyes.) Enter…

Mr. HAMPTON enters the room with a spring in his step.

MR. HAMPTON

Ahh Mr. Howard, might I say it’s an absolute pleasure to finally make your acquaintance in person, instead of over the phone.

MR. HARWOOD

Oh right, you must be Dr. Hampton?

MR. HAMPTON

Please, call me Mr. Hampton, only my patients call me Doctor.

MR. HARWOOD

Oh… ok then, Mr. Hampton? I must say these rooms are rather lavish for a facility like this.

MR. HAMPTON

Oh aren’t they indeed! This is exactly the sort of excellence we provide here at Hampton Hall, and exactly why we need your business here!

MR. HARWOOD

Right yes… I suppose it can’t be cheap to run all this?

MR. HAMPTON

Oh you don’t know the half of it! Rest assured though with this deal, our financial future is looking very profitable!

MR. HARWOOD

Oh I see… well getting back on track, you see the reason I came here today is because I’ve been having problems for a while now and-

MR. HAMPTON

Problems! What sort of problems!? It’s my receptionist, isn’t it? She’s new, I promise it won’t affect the efficiency of Hampton Hall for long, there is no need to reconsider this arrangement!

MR. HARWOOD

Well I mean she was rather confusing a moment ago, but I mean-

MR. HAMPTON

Forgive me, I’ll have a word with her immediately, you just stay here, and I’ll make sure everything is in order for the big meeting later tonight! 

MR. HARWOOD

No wait I didn’t mean!

MR. HAMPTON has already marched out of the room with haste.

END SCENE